Cats Rule

Pets are good for our well being. FACT. Hospitals use pets as therapy sometimes (hopefully not in the allergy clinics where they've only just got family and friends to stop bringing flowers). Time with a beloved pet, definitely lightens our mood, it's proved to lower heart rate and distract women who are single from scouring the nightclubs for a boyfriend. 

I like dogs but they don't half whiff. For me, it's cats all the way. They rule and they know it. There aren't many animals that can regard us, arguably the top species, with a look that says, ‘idiots’. I love their poise, their control. Look how needy they make us as they frugally measure out their affection. Dogs just hand it out willy nilly, whether food is on offer or not. If dogs thought words they'd be saying “I love you, I love you, I love you!” With cats, they’re simply musing, “We’ll see, moron”.

Cats are responsible too. Do dogs clean themselves? Do you see them gleefully running a dog bath, elbow testing the water before executing a perfect, splash-free entrance? Joyfully yelping, “just trying to help!”. You do not. Not even on Britain’s Got Talent.

The cat, quietly and at regular intervals of whenever-those-filthy-handed-humans-touch-me, takes complete ownership of its hygiene, probably having decided long ago that our grubby water-based methods would never get them as clean as their own tongue, even if it has just had 50 grams of chicken in gravy pass over it but whatever.

It sounds like cats aren’t fun. They totally are. Ever played chase the light reflected from a mirror with a 5 month old kitten? That’s funnier than a box set of Friends and they ARE affectionate, just at a time of their choosing. My favourite cat was a dude called Frank (so named after Frank Butcher of Eastenders). He had many endearing traits. One was drinking from any dripping tap he could precariously balance near enough to. Whenever caught, his expression was a vision of innocence, “Is this not cool?” his whiskery visage would query.

I discovered one evening while watching a wildlife show his other trait.  He sat absolutely transfixed because the programme was all about the big cats. He didn’t move for the duration of the show. It was like he was saying “My people are trapped in the talking picture box. I must free them’. You see, as clever as cats may think they are, every now and then, we can look at them and think, ‘idiots’