Desperately seeking a King

I’m working on a theory – that when it comes to relationships, men and women breakdown into three broad categories. Kings, Princes and Dukes for men and Queens, and for women, Princesses and Infantas (bet you haven’t heard that word since you last watched Blackadder). This theory arose out of a conversation with someone who was picking over my dating history. She asserted that I was constantly attracting princes when I deserved a king but the only way to get a king was to become a queen. Hmmm, I thought. Who are these kings I’ve been overlooking? And how, do I become a queen? (It’s a given that bumping off Kate and marrying William would be frown upon).

So what is a king?

This is a guy who has grown into his manhood (matron!). He knows what he wants in life and by and large has achieved it or has a plan of how to. He’s shrugged off much of the trappings of boyhood. If he owns a Playstation it isn’t the reason he bought his widescreen TV. Kings don’t flatshare. You never hear about kings of yore saying, ‘yeah this is Windsor Castle and these are my flat mates Dave and Rob’. No, a king wants, nay demands a castle and is proud of it. A woman knows when she has entered the home of a king. It doesn’t smell of trainers and you don’t feel the need to clean it or yourself after you’ve left.

Kings are gown ups, for example, Kings can cook. A prince, microwaves... or nails one meal and then cooks it until he and everyone he knows is sick of it.

Kings like a good night out but can handle their drink and can definitely handle their hang overs. You won’t see a king with a traffic cone on this head whereas a prince drinks beverages with food colouring in.

Kings are looking for Queens. They’ve also gotten to a stage where the prospect of an heir doesn’t send shivers down his spine.

A king visits his mother with flowers. A prince takes her his laundry

You get the idea right?

Rule of thumb, when speak to an attractive woman a king, if he has one,  mentions his partner within five minutes.

Example kings: Prince William, Barrack Obama, Brad Pitt, Will Smith, Ben Affleck, Jon Snow, David Beckham, Gary Barlow, Jay-Z

What about a prince?

This is the hardest category to define as, for some it’s a phase they pass through, but for others, a place they reside – long term. Prince isn’t a bad chap and he really is trying to be a good guy but somehow, in the end usually falls short. Confusingly, a prince can become a king and so sometimes a queen must be patient and wait for him to come into his kingness (real word). Princes are more likely to have one or more gaming consoles, are more likely to live with others, either flat mates, or worst, parents. Many princes live with partners but may be distinctly uninterested in marriage. That’s largely the territory of kings.

The wardrobe of a prince can often be interchanged with that of a 15 year old kid. Not only might they still dress like a skater, they may still own a skateboard or worse a microscooter.

Socialising usually means drinking a lot with other princes, that is until a princess or an infanta catches his eye. Princes can be really good boyfriends. They do all the right things, say all the right things but are rarely the one who will ‘put a ring on it’. They’re just not ready for that.  

Princes tend not to be in the marrying game and the thought of children utterly terrifies a prince though he is often a fantastic uncle possibly because they relish the opportunity to play games. Workwise, the prince has not yet realised his goals and dreams so it’s hard  from him to give 100% to any relationship he may find himself in although he will have a bloody good go.

Princes are great friends because they are fun. A prince’s biggest loyalties are to his mates and his family – possibly in that order. Though he doesn’t mean it, girlfriends a little further down the pecking order.

Rule of Thumb – The prince is your serial monogamist

Example princes: Ashton Kutcher, George Clooney (didn’t expect that, did you). Bradley Cooper, Leonardo DiCaprio

And finally the duke

Dukedoms were often awarded to the king’s illegitimate offspring. In other words, bastards. I doubt many men set out to be bastards but they simply have wildly different intentions from the women they encounter. Usually women encounter dukes by mistake. Rarely are women setting out to be mistreated but the duke is the often the master of disguise. They may have the trappings of a king, great home, successful career but deep down, settling is the furthest thing from their minds. For the duke, the only commitment he’s willing to make is to his sky subscription.

Dukes are an interested group as, in terms of success, they can be high achievers but equally they could be the guy who just hasn’t got his shit together. Ironically, unlike a prince, dukes may already have kids and if you press them, they may even be able to remember their names.

They have great stories because they’re lives are a constant adventure. They’re the kind of guys who can equally wake up at a princess’ house as they could a skip but rest assured the ensuing story will be hugely entertaining. Most people like dukes but are glad they aren’t living their life. Most princes want to be kings but don’t feel man enough. Dukes, in my opinion, are a lost cause.

Rule of Thumb - Your mother wouldn't approve and you know it

Example earls: Alex Reid, Chris Brown, Dwight Yorke, Charlie Sheen, Prince Harry, Hugh Grant

For me, it’s been interesting going through my exes, working out who was what and it’s excellent for working out what to look out for in the future.

Next time, Queens, Princesses and Infantas

have a fantastic Christmas